Defining the Deep D

I keep bringing up this blog and its purpose.  It’s not just about the deep funk, it’s about the deep DD, as in Depression.

I have felt melancholy since I can remember.  There’s a sadness in my family, in my family members, and in me.

Those who know me might think, ‘that doesn’t make sense.. it’s silly girl, she laughs and smiles a lot, looks on the positive side of things, seems to like comedic outlooks on life’.  I wonder how many have caught on to my sadness. I know there are a few, and it didn’t take long.

But it was never discussed, just understood. 

Those who understood me, saw me almost instantly. My eyes give it away, but I’ve noticed that I avoid eye contact (and have for years).  Partially because of the dry eyes from weed, but also because I’m not sure how to navigate eye contact.  It makes me nervous, and seems to make others nervous, so I dip, dodge and dart from those awkward moments.

I see conversation online all the time now about Depression and what it really looks like.  I’m not completely confined by the turmoil of its symptoms, but sad has always been a silver lining to my silly self.  Perhaps I’m sad for my family, and in turn sad for myself, but I feel sad, I am sad, and I can’t get others to understand why I’m sad so often.

What’s funny to me is that the online conversations in 2017 express one distinct purpose – to make it known that you understand and are available to talk.  The depressed avoid talking, and at the first ‘how are you?’ comes our first attempt to avoid speaking‘I’m fine’.

So how do you help?  I honestly don’t know.  Understanding… accepting our normal.  No raised or concerned eyebrows with the inevitable burning questions.  Whatever happened to ‘how are you, really’ and… I’m not really sure because most of my conversations are surface level, appropriate etiquette and little desire to go too deep.

People are afraid of feelings, tears, emotions and truth.  And I’m not.  How do I find a way to cope when no one else is on board?  When everyone else tries to pass it off as a fleeting feeling?

The Deep D goes very deep for me.  The Deep Funk is just a way minimalize it.  Make it seem fun (and funky) and just maybe.. not all that serious.  But the deeper you go, the more serious it gets.  Fortunately I’ve just ridden the wave without going in too deep.

I’m regrettably conscious like that.


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